Alright, sentimental fools, gather ’round, just like Raymond Carver we’re gonna talk about love, or rather, let’s talk about why your romantic options look less like a romantic comedy and more like an excel spreadsheet.

Forget destiny. Forget soulmates. Finding “The One” is just a math problem.

The Brutal Bean-Counting of Romantic Bliss

Here’s the unvarnished truth: everyone comes with a price tag, or a points system. We all carry a subconscious scorecard, and we’re sizing each other up like cattle ranchers.

There are categories:

• Looks
• Success
• Funniness
• Brain

You add it all up and they add it all up. If your grand totals are in the same ballpark, congratulations, you might end up naked with them. If one of you is a solid 85 and the other a 45, expect to either pay some cash money or put up with a lot of bullshit until they find someone else.

Let’s illustrate with a scientific chart. Meet Bernard and Patricia:

When the Numbers Just Don’t Add Up (Spoiler: They Often Don’t)

What happens when a “9” tries to make it work with a “4”? Resentment, mostly. The 9 feels like they’re doing charity work. The 4 develops a complex or, worse, gets annoyingly grateful. It’s a slow, awkward car crash. You can try to “work on it,” but you can’t polish a turd into a diamond, or a 3 into an 8.5. The numbers have spoken. They usually mumble something like, “This is a terrible idea.”

Manage your expectations. Understand the grim arithmetic. Find someone whose numbers are in your league, whose particular brand of flawed accounting complements your own. Or, just get a dog. They’re always a +10 in “Unconditional Love,” and their “Bank Account” score is irrelevant because me, I need to recalibrate my “Desire for Cheap Beer” variable. It’s trending high.

Charles Truthkowski